My name is Alex Kniess, and I have a moustache problem.

It all started when I was just a young pup, shaving my fuzzy face every day despite the fact that I could wait weeks. I had heard that the more you shave, the faster and thicker your hair would grow and I was determined to be the youngest (and coolest) guy with a full beard.

Soon though, the fuzz turned coarse, and my facial hair began to grow in. Of course, my moustache was the first to come, followed closely by an ever-encroaching neck/chin hair pattern. For a time, things were going well, my plan was unfolding brilliantly. I knew it would take time before all my patches connected, so I silently dealt with my moustache taking center-stage. As every day passed, and my facial hair grew in, I noticed that the moustache remained on an island of its own – isolated from the rest.

Fast forward to now, and I’m almost 22. The moustache remains isolated.

I yearn for the years when I could go weeks without shaving. Yup, those were the days. Now it seems I can’t go 10 minutes without noticing a 5 o’clock shadow. But alas, the shadow seems to be darkest on my upper lip. I would venture so far to say that the rest of my face is a good 6 hours behind… And even more dire, the rest of my facial hair seems to neglect my moustache, refusing to connect and form one beautiful unison of young-American-male-half-beard.

Certainly, my moustache would fail to be a problem anymore if it would just start to play well with the rest of my facial hair. Unfortunately, I seem doomed.

Doomed to live my life shaving my upper lip in vain, hiding in shame as I walk the streets sporting the most unfashionable of facial hair.